I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.