I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
the short answer to this question
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
cause of death:
autopsy.
Duck typos.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?