I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

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[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?


Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.


beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat


[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}


*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?


I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now


[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!


LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.