I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
motivation
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Has science gone too far?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*limbos away from your hug*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.