I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
New menu item
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Oh we’ve met.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Twitter fine art
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used