@chuuew

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

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@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@Freeman4all33

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

@murrman5

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@Shariv67

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

@GroovyTasia

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

@AnkCoupleTO

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

@ericsshadow

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

@ericsshadow

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking