Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking