I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
see you in hell you stupid fruit
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
bro what is going on at twitter
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
#polloftheday
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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