I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself