I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.