Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flowers bee like

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

My wife gives the best headache.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies