I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

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*pulls handle on slot machine
*diarrhea comes out


okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS


Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)


No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.


People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.


MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol


You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice


I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.


Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.


Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back