I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
FRED: right
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’