Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad