@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

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@Dad_At_Law

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

@WolfGangOfFour

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

@EffdotEss

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

@ajax06

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

@NintenDom

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

@circlejokes

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though