“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.