I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.