“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
#polloftheday
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer