I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Life is a suicide mission.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.