I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Noted.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
See..?
.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand