I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
You Might Also Like
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…