I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose