i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Boating season is upon us.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it