I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
some Old Testament wisdom
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.