I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.