I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels