i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
bears
those birds must be on payroll
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right