I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”