I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Your honor these allegations are
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: