I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Ha
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”