I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!