I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love