@KateWhineHall

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

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@Cheeseboy22

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

@Jez1

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

@carlyken

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

@MikeDrucker

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

@kimtopher22

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

@ManateeJack

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.