@KateWhineHall

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

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@simoncholland

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

@TheToddWilliams

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

@david8hughes

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@HeidiGolightly

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

@Reverend_Scott

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.