I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date