I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.


When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD


I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.


I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.


Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.


….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.


Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori


Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.


I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.


If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.