I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days