I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Finally a use for spoilers…
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!