I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
THIS HEADLINE
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
that de-escalated quickly
#NeverForget
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak