I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
is this how new cars are made??
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.