I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?