Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

when nothing goes right… go left

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.