I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*