I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.