I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
the prophecy has been fulfilled
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop