I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Wednesday
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The pen is writier than the sword.
In banana years, I am bread.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.