I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!