I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
mood
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*pokes sex life with a stick