I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.