@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

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@ThePunnyWorld

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

@TheAndrewNadeau

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

@MsLisaM

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

@BuckyIsotope

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@LlamaInaTux

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..