I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that