I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Cat.