Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!