@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

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@iGreenGod

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

@Mike_Bianchi

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

@TheCiscoKidder

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

@sarahmseltzer

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!