I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice