I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
You Might Also Like
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine