I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
No laws when master is gone
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Yup.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Monica just destroyed the internet