Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters