I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?