I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Not messing around
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*