I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)