I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
This is always good for a laugh.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
me as a parent
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Friday
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Netflix: We have Less
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.