I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid