“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
my dog when i have a friend over
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.